A friend
sent this to me and I
thought it was pretty funny. Hopefully it will help to lighten
your spirits a little! Please stay safe
everyone and let's hope that Ivan is the last storm of the season!
We're about
to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day
now you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing
to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making
two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If
you are new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need
to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the
big one.'' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow
this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family
for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately,
statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible
plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness
items:
HOMEOWNERS INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately,
this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets
two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built.
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other
area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance
companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because
then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly
not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which
will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement
value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like
used dental floss.
Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance
companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance
Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium,
Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all
the doors, and - if it's a major hurricane - all the toilets.
There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters:
The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're
cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once
you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them
all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will
be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy
to use, and will definitely protect your house.. The disadvantage
is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle
in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they
can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because
the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
"Hurricane Proofing" Your Property: As the hurricane
approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills,
planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should,
as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if
you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).
Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly
missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation
route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying
area, look at your driver's license; if it says Florida, you
live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation
route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm
hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam
several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand
other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not
buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until
the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get
into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can
of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights - At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out,
when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows
what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless
in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL
be irate
alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes,
you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation
by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain
slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over
how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the
ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise! |